No Time for Making Room?

“I don’t have enough time to invest in any new relationships.” If you have ever expressed this sentiment, you are not alone. The fact is, we all have limited capacity for friendship. Larry Osborne likens our limitations to Lego pieces. Just as Lego bricks come in all different sizes, everyone’s relationship capacity is different [1]. Whether you are the gigantic Lego plate or the piece that gets lost in the couch, you have a finite number of connectors.

If you already feel relationally stretched, the thought of making room for friendship may feel daunting. If this is you, I invite you to pause and take a discernment inventory, a depth inventory, and a dedication inventory.

The Discernment Inventory

Our limited physical and relational capacity requires that we be discerning in our investment. We cannot be everyone’s friend, much less everyone’s closest friend.

Because of this, friendship requires wisdom (Prov 18:24). This means asking questions like: Is it wise to make this relational investment? Do I have the margin? Now, I want to be clear. I am not advocating for a posture of exclusivity but a recognition of our limited capacity. Our limitations are not an excuse to live with a closed-off posture toward others. On the contrary, we want to extend the hospitality and grace of Jesus to those we meet (Heb 13:1). But we also need God’s wisdom to discern our friends and closest friends.

Discernment Inventory

Pause + Pray + Ask:  Given my limitations, who is God calling me to invest in?

The Depth Inventory

Our inner circle friends are the ones with whom we naturally spend most quality time. The further out we move from our inner circle, the less quality time we will spend with those relationships. We may, for instance, be in proximity to our co-workers, but we may not expose our inner lives to those at the office. On the other hand, we likely will not spend 40 hours a week with our closest friends, though the hours we do spend are exponentially more significant. The emotional capacity required for deep investment will occupy more connectors than acquaintances.

Just because we are limited in the number of close friends we can have doesn’t mean that these other relationships are unimportant. Anthropologist, Edward T. Hall, hypothesized that human beings belong in four different “spaces”: “public, social, personal, and intimate” [2]. We need relationships at each of these levels. Joseph Myers, in speaking about this need, says, “Harmony means more public belongings than social. More social than personal. And very few intimate” [3]. I want to suggest that we experience the weight and burden of relationships when we confuse the relational spaces, when we feel the pressure to maintain acquaintances to the same degree as our closest relationships (Prov 18:24). The reality is that you only have the capacity for a few close friends.

‍Depth Inventory

Pause + Pray + Ask: Am I spending time investing in several acquaintances when I could be spending that time cultivating deep friendships with a few?

The Dedication Inventory

Just as we need to discern prayerfully who God is leading us to invest in, we likewise need to explore honestly how we are dedicating our time.

I am an introvert. I need time alone to recharge. But I can’t use this as an excuse to avoid deep relationships. On the other hand, those who are extroverted may have more connectors, but may need to consider how they spend time with others. An extrovert may have many acquaintances but struggle to cultivate deep friendships.

Regardless of our relationship capacity and how we prefer to spend our time, take a dedication inventory. Following Jesus—discipleship—means daily picking up our cross and following him (Luke 9:23). Consider whether your commitments align with God’s priorities. One of my former teachers, Jonathan Pennington, compellingly states, “Christian discipleship changed people’s values, sensibilities, hopes, imaginations, habits, and virtues” [4]. This means that being a disciple of Jesus should inform and impact how we are dedicating our time, including our relationships. To prioritize what God loves means we need to honestly assess our commitments to consider whether they are hindering time with people and inhibiting our capacity to live with a kingdom mindset.

Dedication Inventory

Pause + Pray + Ask: Do my commitments align with God’s priorities?

When you feel the weight of your limited capacity to make room for others, I invite you to reflect prayerfully on these three inventory questions. Your limited capacity is an opportunity to cultivate a deeper dependency on God in the arenas of discernment, depth, and dedication. As you do, may you prayerfully consider how God may be leading you to make room in your life this year. Is there a stranger in your life who could become a friend? How about a friend to become a closer friend? The discernment questions below can help you as you make room.

Making Room Inventory Questions

Discernment Inventory

• Given my limitations, who is God calling me to invest in?

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Depth Inventory

• Am I spending time investing in several acquaintances when I could be spending that time cultivating deep friendships with a few?

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Dedication Inventory

• Do my dedications align with God’s priorities?

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[1] Larry Osborne, Sticky Church, The Leadership Network Innovation Series (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2008), 79.

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[2] Joseph R. Myers, The Search to Belong: Rethinking Intimacy, Community, and Small Groups (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2003), 20.

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[3] Myers, 51.

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[4] Jonathan Pennington, Jesus the Great Philosopher: Rediscovering the Wisdom Needed for the Good Life (Grand Rapids, MI: Brazos Press, 2020), 172.

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